| If you buy detergent because it says it removes blood stains from sheets, shirts, and walls, you have a bigger problem than needing to do laundry. |
| You’d rather skinny dip with great whites after bathing in a pool of used razor blades than cross a fiery redhead on her birthday. |
| It’s darkest before the dawn so if you’re going to roll your neighbor’s house that’s the time to do it. |
| We’re so far ahead of the curve that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he discovered two missed calls from Lizard Lick Towing. |
| Never think you are so rich that you can afford to lose a friend. You should stay latched on to friends like a long nose mosquito at a blood bank. |